How To Fail A Road Test In Ten Easy Steps

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Today I took my final road test and I failed with flying colours (yes I'm changing the saying because its true). Since I have moved out of the city, I took my test at a road test centre that was closer to me instead of driving all the way back to the other one. Because I not only failed, but the instructor feared for her life, I decided to share with you the test easy steps to fail a road test.

1) Take your test at a centre that has a fail quota to meet and not enough people taking tests in a day.

2) Get an instructor that is clearly a terminally bitter old bitch.

3) When that terminally bitter old bitch asks if you own your car, lie and say its your mother's. Thats a lot easier than saying "none of your damn business!"

4) Cough. Don't you dare cough. I did and used my hand to cover my mouth and she said "two hands on the wheel".

5) Do not keep your eyes on the road. I made the mistake of turning my head just enough to check my blind spot and the lanes beside me. Apparently you're supposed to turn your whole torso around and look out your back window as demonstrated by the instructor.

6) Follow the speed limit rules. On the 80km/h highway, I was going between 75-80 the whole time and that was too slow. So if you're read to fail, follow the speed limits.

7) Roll through all stop signs. Apparently stopping for 3-seconds at each stop sign is horrible and way too long to be stopped. It's what I learned when I did driving school but hey, that was 4 years ago so I'm sure things have changed that drastically.

8) Ask her to repeat one part of the instructions. A truck sped past us so fast I couldn't hear what she wanted from me. As a result, she huffed and then slowly and sternly repeated herself while marking something on her sheet. So make sure you ask for the correct directions.

9) Do not make conversation. Nothing like being too quiet. I assumed this was a professional setting and we weren't supposed to make conversation but apparently I was wrong. Being "too quiet" is one easy way to fail a test.

10) Say "thank you very much" at the end. Preferably right after she says "I did not at all feel safe in your vehicle" say "thanks so much" with a little over-enthusiasm and smile at her. That will just add to it.

So there you have it. Ten easy steps to failing your final road test. I did it and so can you if you follow these simple instructions.


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Nancy Danny said...

I think it is important to mention that you have had a clean drivers permit for 5 years.